well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I had to cum in my sink.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
