Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
