I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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