She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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