The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i need some magic done to my vagina
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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