Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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