I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
