She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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