I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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