she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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