life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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