Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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