hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Let's get the cat blown out
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
