if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I enjoy the company of your penis
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
