I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
