There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize