I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
