I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
