I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
