What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
only if we run a train.
done.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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