Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
