The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
