He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
