booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
