was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
