Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize