dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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