Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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