woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
