It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
