You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize