My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
