you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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