After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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