Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I supernannyed him into submission
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
