pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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