Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
