Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
