My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
