So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
