How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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