I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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