it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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