i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
