I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
