I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
