someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize