I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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