If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
