He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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