i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
