first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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