my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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