it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
3pm strippers are depressing
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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