What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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