I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize