The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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