Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
50% drunk capacity currently
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
