Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
